|
|
rsw@jfet.org
blogroll
|
|
|
a little ancient history, #2
Some of you never got a chance to see this. Since it is, in my
opinion, one of Sherv's most brilliant pieces of work, and indeed a
goldmine for insulting phrases (especially those pertaining to the
carriage in the midsection of an excess of triglycerides), I've
reproduced it here in full for your enjoyment and erudition.
To: random-hall-talk@mit.edu
From: The.Seat.of.Justice@mit.edu
Subject: Random Hall, arise!
Date: Mon, 29 Apr 2002 22:03:56 -0400
Sender: gkl@mit.edu
Random Hall, arise!
I must call your attention to a monumental problem which asserts
itself more strongly by the day: Riad Wahby. His creeping flab-heap
shell drags itself sickeningly through our collective consciousness
with the sound of a wet explosion. His loathsome ejaculations
reverberate unsettlingly through our skulls, nesting uncomfortably
between the limbic system and the pituitary like a cancer. Riad Wahby
is the source of all the adipose evil which affronts our otherwise
normal lives. Wahby must die.
To this end, I suggest we as a society bring to bear the full force of
the blessed Social Contract which binds us all: The Random Hall
Constitution. We must provide, from this day forward, for the
elimination of Wahby from our hallowed halls.
The Random Hall Constitution states in its second article (hereafter
referred to as "Purpose") that our government, first and foremost, is
intended "to promote the welfare and well-being of its members." This
overarching consideration is being flaunted: Wahby, enemy of all our
happinesses, is allowed to stalk through our home, his frowning gut
rubbing the paint slowly from our walls.
No matter how distasteful the thought, the third article (hereafter
referred to as "Membership") provides that all official residents "at
282 and 290 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, Massachusetts, shall be
members of Random Hall." This further indicates that Wahby the
Woe-Bringer is a part, if a parasitic part, of our collective person.
This brings us, finally and most satisfactorily, to the fourth article
of the Random Hall Constitution (hereafter referred to as
"Authority"). I have reproduced Authority here, in full:
"Random Hall shall govern itself through the House Meeting and the
Executive Committee of Random Hall. Together they shall have full
governing authority in making judicial and executive decisions for the
members of Random Hall as granted by the Dormitory Council at MIT and
in accordance with the Uniform Judicial Codes and this
Constitution. All acts and decisions of the House Meeting of Random
Hall and the Executive Committee of Random Hall shall be considered to
be acts and decisions of Random Hall. Random Hall shall have sole
authority to regulate the use of the name 'Random Hall'."
It is indisputable that the Dormitory Council will lend its assent to
any judicial decision made by the residents of Random Hall proper as
well as its Executive Committee, especially in light of the menace
with which Wahby hangs over our heads and those of our peers in the
glorious MIT community.
I call for the immediate pursuit of the following goals:
1) That Wahby be expelled from our premises in cooperation, based on
mutual distaste, between MIT, its Housing authorities, the Dormitory
Council, and Random Hall proper.
2) That a place be appointed for the quenching of Wahby's lipid-rich
flame through both corporal and capital punishment, including but not
limited to:
a) hanging,
b) shooting by firing squad,
c) drawing and quartering of Wahby's person,
d) mincing of Wahby's flesh,
e) lethal injection,
f) gassing in a suitable chamber,
g) alcohol poisoning a la the late M. Scott Krueger,
h) bamboo shoots underneath the finger and toenails,
i) burning at the stake,
j) drowning as a witch for the creation of flesh golems,
k) work as a poisonous animal masturbator,
l) tickling by women of great beauty,
m) whips and chains,
n) &c. &c. as provided at the time of execution.
3) That Wahby's remains be transported to a location suitable for the
disposal of (bio)hazardous waste and distributed widely, to prevent
creation of a hideous Wahboid mostrosity from beyond the grave,
4) That President Vest donate funds for the execution of the stated
plan.
5) Finally, that the proceedings be recorded for posterity and posted
at each door of Random Hall as a proud declaration that problems,
indeed, have solutions.
To this end, I have drafted the following petition, to be signed by at
least 20 voting members of the Random Hall community (viz Random Hall
Constitution Article IV, Section 3), as provided by Membership, which
calls for the exercise of Authority in pursuit of our all-important
Purpose:
Dated on the 29th day of our Lord, in the blessed Spring month of
April, in the year 2002,
We, the Undersigned, call for a House Meeting on the 10th day of May
of this jubilee year in our history. In light of the encroaching,
flabby menace of Riad Wahby, it is imperative that we gather to
discuss what must be done. Let us gather together and bring the full
force of our collective will against Riad Wahby: The Triumph of the
Grill.
Ozok be with you.
Signed,
Shervin Fatehi
(further signatures to be gathered)
Yours in Christ,
Shervin Fatehi,
JudComm Member at Large,
Defender of Justice and the Thin, Sexy Way of Life
[ permalink | 1 comment ]
writeback
mich wrote
omg pimplol...
post a comment:
|
|